• Shaun Monkman

Tees Weekend, Awards - Nov 2021

Sunday, 14th November 2021


Tees Weekend - Clive's Awards

Written by Clive Edwards Too much to write about to cover the weekend, could write a book on the epic pool game between Bee and Scott alone. So here are some thoughts:

Best organiser: Dean

Best place to stay: The Hub, Barnard Castle

Best morning zombie: Mitchell (scary)

Most pointless leader statement: Shaun (Shaun really makes eye contact with you when he’s talking to you) Shaun: “Clive, I want you to follow Sean down Abbey Rapids.” Me: “Yes, follow Sean down” Shaun: “Follow Sean down Abbey Rapids” Me: “Yes, I follow Sean.”

Most stupid break-out from an eddy: Me, who didn’t follow Sean down Abbey Rapids, and did a river run I’d not like to repeat.

Second most pointless leader statement: Shaun Shaun: “Don’t look at the rock Clive, look at me” Me (thinking): “What rock? Oh, that rock. ****it.”

Coolest Dude on the block: Dan. Not a hair out of place after going down the wrong side (river left) of Low Force backwards (the worse place possible).

Fastest person: Big Nathan. Out of kayak on to rocks in seconds to try and grab Dan.

Person who aged the most over the weekend: Shaun. I helped a lot, but I think Dan had something to do with it too.

Flattest moment: Telling Dean a joke about ladies purses made from f***skins. He didn’t get it.

Worst place: The pub.

Funny conversation in the pub: Kyle. Kyle: “That bloke looks a lot like Dave Beecroft.” Me: “He does, there’s a lot of interbreeding up here.” (I think it was Dave Beecroft)

Best meal: Indian curry, really enjoyed it.

Best Mountain goats: The two Nathans. How they manage to climb up the rocks carrying a kayak is beyond me.

Best bit of paddling: Bee. Fantastic bit of surfing, everything I‘ve seen at Pont and more. Like the man who jumped from a plane at 10,000 feet without a parachute, you knew it was going to go wrong in the end, and it did. Still brilliant.

Best photo: Zillions to choose from, but mine of Elliot makes me laugh. (Only the very top of his paddle visible after shooting Low Force, he’s under there somewhere!)

Worst rejection (again): Anneka. Like a barbed harpoon.

Sleepiest person: It could be Niamh, who seems to wake up just long enough to find somewhere else to sleep, but it’s easily Sean. He spent the second part of Saturday’s paddle almost laying on the back deck of his kayak just conscious enough to stay afloat and paddle when needed.

Most epic period of boredom: Watching Bee and Scott play a weird game of pool. I think it went on for over an hour and Bee spent most of the time whacking the white ball around the table without hitting anything.

Most stuck on a rock moment: Me. Somehow, I managed to get perched on a flat topped rock. I couldn’t hotch off and Shaun was concerned that I could topple off and make things worse. Thanks to Derek who worked his way back up the river to give me a big push.

Best Gnomes: Bee and Fay. They both spent a lot of time sitting on a rock taking photos or being on rescue duty. Big thanks to you both.

Longest swim and Mummy b****cking: This could be me again. After the “Don’t look at the rock episode”, Shaun and Jamie ferried me across and down river for quite a distance. OK, I’d worried Shaun by being face-down in the water, kayak on my back and unable to pull my deck, but during the ferry he shouted, really fiercely, “Clive will you do as your told for once.” Sorry Mum!!!!

Most unusual (and read into that what you will) person: Anton. He’s definitely wired differently to the rest of us. Brilliant, every group needs one. Thanks to one and all. People like me will look at all the photos and videos as memories of a great time.



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